Mindful Motherhood, simply put, is being present in
your body, and connected with your baby even when the going gets rough. It's
being aware of your experience from moment to moment, as it is happening,
without pushing it away, trying to make it stay, or judging it as bad or good.
It is meeting each situation as it is, and over time, more and more often,
approaching whatever is happening with curiosity and compassion.
Mindful Motherhood is a way of approaching all of
the experiences you'll encounter as a mom with open eyes and an open heart.
Whether those experiences are internal, like thoughts, feelings, or body
sensations; or external, like relationships, workplace situations, or the situations in your environment, mindful motherhood is a way of simply being with whatever is
happening, no matter what it is. While it may be simple, for most of us, it's
not easy.
You are
always actually in the moment and in your body--there is no other place to be,
when you really get down to it. But often, your attention is not directed
toward the present moment. In the same way, you are always connected with your
baby, whether you feel like you are or not. Bringing mindful awareness to that
connection can enhance it for both you and your baby. There are a few key
elements of healthy connection with your baby that happen naturally, without
you needing to try at all. Becoming more consciously aware of how you are
connecting is not so much about trying to be a good mom or setting a high
standard for yourself to try to achieve. Similar to mindful awareness, you
can't make yourself connect with your baby. The connection is already there and
does not need to be created. Mindful motherhood is more about being awake and
aware as the connection is happening and creating the optimal conditions for
the natural connection between you and your baby to emerge. For the most part,
you don't need to do anything except get out of your own way and allow what is
happening to be just as it is. Mindful awareness can help you with that.
As a mom, having your attention
in the present moment lays the groundwork for what developmental psychologist
Daniel Stern called being attuned to your baby, or being aware of and
perceiving accurately your baby's communication of her emotions and needs
(1985). Attunement with your baby is sort of like a tuning fork--the baby hits
a particular tone, and you resonate with that tone, reflecting it back to her
with your facial expressions, tone of voice, touch, and way of being. These
subtle actions communicate "Yes, I see and hear you, and I get what you're
feeling." Through thousands of these little micro-interactions with your
baby, her sense of self develops, as well as her own capacity to begin to learn
how to deal with her emotions.
For example, let's say you're
talking on the phone while the baby is playing on your lap, and the baby starts
to squirm. You keep talking but begin to notice what the baby's doing. Your
baby screws up her face and arches her back. Here, you could try to continue
your conversation, maybe bounce the baby up and down on your knee, or toss her
over your shoulder and begin to pat her back. You might tense your body up a
little because you were really hoping to talk to your mom, who you hadn't
talked to in several days, and you start to talk a little louder.
Alternatively, you could stop
when you notice the screwed-up face and arched back, either by asking Mom to
hold on for a few minutes or asking to call her back, and take a look into your
baby's face and body. Naturally, you might screw your face up a little too,
making a soothing sound that is the flip side of what the baby is making.
Neither of these choices is
necessarily right or wrong. (I'm being serious here. It would not be mindful
mothering to drop everything whenever the baby squirms). But bringing mindful
awareness to this moment (being present in the moment, in your body, connected
with baby, letting the experience be exactly as it is without needing to change
it, and approaching it with curiosity and compassion) will help you notice
what's going on in your baby's experience and make a choice about how to respond.
Attunement is not just matching
your baby's state. It's making a complementary response, one that both conveys
your empathy ("I can feel what you are feeling")
and responds appropriately to what the baby is communicating. For example, if
the baby gets really upset, it's not ideal attunement to get equally upset.
Ideal attunement might be making sure the baby knows that you see that he's
upset and reflecting a sense of being able to tolerate or contain that upset.
This reaction could be holding him with firmness and making low and deep
sounds. Luckily, with present-moment mindful awareness that meets experiences
as they are, this comes pretty naturally--you don't have to figure it out with
your thinking mind.
Use your present-moment awareness
to explore what the baby may be trying to tell you. "Get me off my back. I
want to be on my tummy!", "I want to sit up!", "I'm tired
but can't get to sleep!", or "My diaper is wet!" You won't
always be able to tell exactly what's going on, and if you guess, it will still
be a story you are telling yourself about the situation. But the main thing is
that you're communicating with your baby and letting her know, "I get it.
I see you are uncomfortable. Let's work as a team. What
can we do?"
Transmitting a secure sense of
self through attunement happens in thousands of micro-interactions, not just
one, or two, or even fifty. This is not about being perfectly attuned all the
time--that's impossible. It's about deciding that you want to actively engage,
more and more often, in present-moment awareness with your baby and cultivating
the capacity to do so. Your baby is always in the present moment. Mindful
awareness allows you to join her there more often.
Want to know more?? Visit www.psychologytoday.com
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